Beach Town Bad Boy: A Briarwood High Novella Read online

  I turned to face him fully, trying to read his expression in the moonlight, but there wasn’t much to see. He didn’t look angry, just resigned. That smile I loved so much was nowhere to be found, but he didn’t seem to be holding on to any bitterness.

  For some reason, that made it worse. I sort of wished he’d accuse me of being a terrible friend. But he didn’t, he just stood there like he was waiting for something. I glanced past him toward his friends and the bonfire. “You can go hang out with your friends,” I said. “You don’t have to look out for me.”

  One of his brows arched up ever so slightly. “Do you really think I’d let you walk all the way back to your motel alone?”

  The fact that he was only sticking with me to keep me safe left me feeling cold. “No,” I admitted. Before I could stop myself, I added, “Your mom raised you better than that.”

  I didn’t have the right to bring her up again, but the comment made his lips twitch up at the corners, even though his gaze was still serious. Maybe even a little sad.

  And that made me sad. Unbearably sad—for ever having hurt him, for not being there for him when he needed me…for not being brave enough to face whatever was changing between us way back when.

  Even at thirteen, I think I knew that something was different—there had been moments that last summer that stuck out in my memory. Silences that were heavy with tension, touches that lasted just a little too long, gazes that felt more intimate than they ought. I felt it, and I was almost positive that he had too.

  I think I knew deep down that if I acknowledged it, then things would get complicated. Even back then I’d felt the pressure to be everything to everyone, and being with Deacon didn’t fit with any of it. He hadn’t fit into my world at home, and so I’d let it go. It had been easier to keep him separate, to keep him locked away in this private little world of ours that had no place in my everyday life back home.

  It had been easier, but not right. It had never felt right; I’d just excelled at avoidance. I hadn’t let myself dwell on him, on our friendship, or on how much I missed him.

  But there was no avoiding it now. There was no use lying to him or to myself, not anymore.

  “You were right.” The words tumbled out in a pathetic, high-pitched voice as I fought back tears. “You were so right. I was a terrible friend, and I’m sorry.”

  He stared at me in silence for a long moment, and I watched something soften in his eyes. “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not.” I shook my head. “I was only thinking about me. I didn’t think about how you might feel.” I swallowed as a painful truth hit me. “I didn’t want to think about how you might feel, because I…I was too busy worrying about what everyone else wanted.”

  He gave a little nod and his lips pressed together in a firm line, but he didn’t say anything. He looked in the direction we were supposed to be heading and started walking again.

  We walked for most of the way without speaking, a heavy silence between us as we were each lost in our thoughts. The sign for the Sunshine Inn came into view and we were nearly at the beach access leading to it when Deacon finally broke the silence.

  “You were right, too,” he said.

  I looked up in surprise at the gruffness of the voice. It was impossible to read his eyes as he stared straight ahead, but there was something in his voice that was too sad for words. Something bleak and resigned, and I hated it.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You were right to leave.” He let out a long exhale. “I probably would have left and never looked back too given half a chance.”

  I came to a stop in the sand, too stunned to keep moving. “You aren’t happy here?”

  He stopped too and when he looked down I could see the pain in his eyes, even in the dark. “It’s not the place,” he said. “It’s me.” He shook his head in obvious frustration and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s not the town I hate, it’s me. It’s my life.”

  I shuffled my feet in the sand, wanting to reach out to him but unable. A sadness swept over me that made me want to cry all over again. “You don’t like who you’ve become?”

  His eyes met mine and his lips twitched at the corners, but whether it was meant to be a rueful smile or a wince I couldn’t tell. “I don’t like what my future looks like,” he finally said.

  I could tell he’d had to search for the right words. Like he hadn’t said this out loud before, or maybe he hadn’t even figured it out for himself yet.

  I knew that feeling well.

  “After you left, after my mom died…” He shook his head and buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Everything good was gone.”

  I felt tears pricking the back of my eyes and blinked them away.

  “And now… I mean, I love my brother, and I love my friends, but…” He shrugged and looked around, almost like he was seeing them as he spoke. “But I want more. I want to be excited about the future. I want something to look forward to, not just a well-worn path with a set ending.” He looked at me. “I’m following in my dad’s footsteps, and in Jason’s, and…I hate where I’m going.”

  I couldn’t have spoken if I’d tried, I was too choked up with emotion. Listening to him talk made me realize how good I had it. The world was open before me. I had no obstacles holding me back, no money issues or family obligations. I was free.

  He took in a deep breath and looked straight at me. Not just at me, but into me in a way that no one else ever did. “You were right to walk away and not look back, and that’s exactly what you should do now. Tomorrow morning you should get back in your car and drive. Head home. Go to your friends’. Just…get as far away from me as you can.” He gave me a small, humorless smile. “Trust me, it’s for the best.”

  I stared at him for so long, wishing I had the right words to say. Wishing I knew what this was that I was feeling. I couldn’t put a name on it but it was something desperate, like the rest of my life was riding on this very moment.

  “Your motel is right there,” he said, as if I couldn’t see the giant sign to our left. “Have a good night, Ellie.”

  What he didn’t say, what I heard, nonetheless… Have a good life, Ellie.

  It wasn’t until he started to walk away that I was jarred out of my silence. “Wait! Don’t go.”

  He stopped and turned. He watched me as I drew closer, my mouth growing dry with nerves as I struggled to think of the right words. When I was close enough that I could feel his familiar warmth, I realized that trying to think was fruitless. What I needed now was to speak from the heart. “Don’t go,” I said again. “Before, when I said I didn’t leave home because of a guy? I lied.”

  His brows drew together slightly in a frown.

  “I—I didn’t run from a guy, I ran to a guy,” I continued. Ugh, why was this so hard to get out? I swallowed thickly, forcing myself to meet his gaze, to somehow make him understand. “I didn’t come to Sterling Beach to relive old memories or revel in nostalgia, I came here for you.”

  “For me,” he repeated slowly, his tone prompting me to explain.

  I nodded. “For you. Because of you. I—” I took another step forward and I was so close to him I could touch him. I rested a hand on his arm and felt a rush of relief when he didn’t back away. “I don’t know when it started, but at some point I lost myself, you know?”

  He didn’t answer and I was glad. The question had been rhetorical. He likely didn’t know what it felt like to lose yourself to anyone. That honor was distinctly mine.

  “I lost myself and I didn’t even know how. Or when. Or—” I shook my head. “Or what to do about it. So, I started thinking…I tried to remember…” I licked my lips again, focusing on the sound of the waves rather than the frantic beating of my heart. “I tried to remember when I last felt sure of who I was and what I wanted. I tried to remember the last time I felt like myself. Just me, not the perfect daughter or the supportive friend or the loyal girlfriend, but me. Eleanor. Ellie.” I shook my head
quickly. “The answer always came back to you. I always felt like myself when I was around you. I still do.”

  I watched his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath. “You’re not lost, Ellie, and you never were.”

  He seemed so sure of it that he almost had me convinced too. “And you’re not stuck,” I said quietly.

  His smile was small but it made my chest squeeze in response. “You don’t know my life, Eleanor.”

  I arched a brow at his use of my full name, a pointed reminder that we weren’t the same people anymore. We weren’t kids. “And you don’t know mine, Deek. But I know you well enough to know that you can do anything. Be anything. I know that your mom always said you were bound for greatness, and your mom was never wrong about anything.”

  I watched his lips twitch upward a bit. “She did say that, didn’t she? It’s been a while since I thought about that.”

  “She was right,” I said. “You might have more challenges in front of you than I do, but you’re strong and determined, and you can handle anything life throws your way.”

  “You think so, huh?” He said it quietly and he shifted even closer to me. His heat wrapped around me, but despite that I shivered. Maybe it was his scent or just the fact that he was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek along with the ocean breeze.

  I nodded. “I don’t just think so, I know it.”

  Now it was his turn to arch a brow in challenge. “I thought you didn’t know your own mind anymore.”

  I pressed my lips together to keep from laughing at his pointed remark. “Yeah, well. That much I know.”

  He nodded, his gaze flickering over my hair, my face, and then returning to meet my eyes. His gaze had turned soft and tender and…hot. There was something decidedly not friendly there, something that made my belly clench and my toes dig into the sand. “What else do you know?”

  “I—I—” I cleared my throat. “What do you mean?”

  He reached out and brushed some of my hair back when the wind blew it in my face. “I mean, what do you want, Ellie? You keep telling me you don’t know what you want, but I don’t believe that for a second. I think you’ve just had too many voices in your head telling you what you should want. But right now, it’s just you and me, Ellie, and there are no wrong answers.” He leaned in slightly, his gaze locked onto mine. “So tell me, what do you want? Right here. Right now.”

  Time seemed to stop as his words struck something deep inside of me. They tapped into something raw and sure. Some part of me that I hadn’t remembered existed these past few years. The question wasn’t all that mind-blowing, but it was the first time anyone had really truly asked me what I wanted…and the answer was simple.

  It was physical and it was all-consuming.

  I wanted to kiss Deacon Turner.

  Before I could overthink it, before I could doubt myself or my wants, I leaned forward and braced my hands on his chest. I pushed up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his.

  That was when I lost my heart once and for all.

  Chapter Seven

  Deacon

  The earth stopped spinning. The world as we knew it ceased to exist. All that mattered was Ellie in my arms. Her lips were soft and lush, and she tasted even sweeter than I could ever have imagined.

  And then she was gone.

  After what may have been the briefest kiss of all time, Ellie pulled back and dropped her hands from my chest. My skin still burned where she’d been touching me.

  She blinked up at me as she bit her lip. I saw the moment self-doubt rose up in her and I hated it. “I-I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I shouldn’t have—”

  I cut her off with another kiss. This one was far less sweet and I had no intention of letting it be anywhere near as brief. Her lips parted with a gasp as I wrapped my arms around her waist and crushed her to me.

  I’d been waiting a lifetime for this moment, and I meant to savor it.

  After a moment of shock, she softened, her body melting as her lips met mine with an eagerness that made me groan. Kissing Ellie was everything I’d thought it would be and more.

  So much more.

  She was all sweetness and light, soft skin and smooth curves. She smelled like heaven and her arms twining around my neck held on for dear life. That’s how I held her too. Like I never wanted to let go.

  Which was exactly why I had to. I pulled away gently but it was still agonizing. I mean, this was everything I’d always dreamt of. The way she was holding on to me, the dazed look in her eyes as she blinked up at me. That look was not friendly. It was hot and heady and…perfect.

  She was perfect.

  And I was in way too deep. It was one thing to have a crush from afar on the girl who’d run away. It was one thing to let myself daydream about what ifs and maybe one days…

  But she was here, in real life, and come Monday morning she’d be gone. Again.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  I leaned down and touched my forehead to hers, my hands gripping her waist, holding her close even as I put some much-needed distance between us so I could think. “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Should I not have kissed you?” She pulled back a bit to meet my eyes and her gaze was filled with remorse. “Did I ruin things between us again?”

  It was the again that killed me. “That kiss didn’t ruin anything. It was perfect.”

  She grinned and the sight of that smile knocked me on my ass, like always. “It was pretty great, wasn’t it?”

  I couldn’t have stopped my answering smile if I’d tried. “Yeah,” I said. “That was…”

  “Epic,” she finished.

  “I was going to say long overdue.”

  Her brows shot up in surprise. “You think?”

  I bit back a groan. Was it possible she still didn’t get it? If tonight was all about coming clean and being honest, maybe it was time I did just that. “Ellie, I’ve had a thing for you for a while. You know that, right?”

  Her wide-eyed stare said no. She did not know that. I tried not to fidget but I dropped my hands to give her a little space.

  She didn’t take it. Instead, she took a step forward and pressed her hands to my chest in response. It took everything in me not to pull her back into my arms but I let her take a moment, using the opportunity to study her face in the glow of the moonlight and savor this moment. Because let’s face it, it was bound to be one of few before she went back to her real life and I went back to mine.

  But that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy every second that I had, right?

  “You liked me?” she asked, her voice shy. “Like, liked-me liked me?”

  “That’s a lot of likes,” I teased. Someone had to lighten the mood because she was seriously intense right now.

  The teasing didn’t work. She clenched her hands around the material of my hoodie and gave me a little shake—or at least she tried to. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  It was funny, really. All these years I’d been harboring so many mixed emotions around this girl. I’d been resentful that she’d disappeared when I’d needed her most. Sad to see a friend go. Nostalgic for the fun memories we had together. Infatuation for the young woman she’d been on the verge of becoming that last summer we saw each other.

  But all of that paled in comparison to the love I felt for her right here and now. This surge of emotion was a loud, body-shaking bass while everything else was background noise.

  Before I could answer, she shook her head and did it for me. “Because I was with Lucas.”

  I shrugged. “You didn’t seem to feel the same way.”

  Her eyes met mine and I saw everything there. Everything—the pain, the regret, the wistfulness. “I didn’t know.”

  I shrugged again. I’d never fooled myself into thinking she’d ever felt the same way about me. “It’s okay.”

  “No, I mean…” She licked her lips. It was a nervous habit I knew well, but if she kept doing it I’d have to kiss her again. There was n
o other option.

  “I mean, I knew something had changed between us, but it…I don’t know, I guess it scared me. I didn’t know what it was I was feeling.” She frowned. “When did you know?”

  Forever. I couldn’t say that because while there might have been some truth to it, it wasn’t what she was asking. I might have been partially in love with this girl for as long as I could remember, but I only understood what it was that last summer. I only realized it for the crush it was when she’d come to town, no longer a little girl but a young woman. “That last summer,” I said. “I realized that I desperately wanted to kiss you that last summer.”

  She sighed. “I kind of wish you had.”

  I let out a short laugh at her wistful tone. “I kind of wish I had too.”

  We shared a funny little smile, one that was full of memories and what ifs. Then she let her head fall against my chest and snuggled up against me. I dropped my head too so I could bury my head in her hair and I wrapped my arms around her tight. Having her in my arms like this was heaven. I tried not to think about how temporary it was, and just focus on the here and now. For this one moment in time I had Ellie exactly where I wanted her.

  “I don’t think I would have gotten so lost if I’d started dating you back then rather than Lucas.” Her voice was muffled against my chest but I still heard her.

  “Of course not,” I said, a smile tugging at my lips at the thought of what that summer would have been like if I’d acted on my feelings. It was a nice thought, but it still would have ended the same—with Ellie leaving. “We would have had to break up at the end of the summer and you would have gone to high school flying solo like the badass single lady you are right now.”

  She laughed like I’d hoped she would and I tightened my arms around her. “I guess,” she said. “Or maybe we would have made the long distance thing work.”

  I gave a snort of amusement. “Maybe. But with no cars and no way of seeing each other, I highly doubt it.”

  She stayed quiet for a while, not agreeing or disagreeing. Finally, she broke the silence with another sigh. “Even if we’d somehow made it work, I know I wouldn’t have lost myself.” She pulled back to look at me. “I never feel more like myself than when I’m with you.”